Tonight, my dear friend's mum died. She didn't pass away easily. It was hard and tortured, much like the last few months of her life. Her mum had cancer, an ugly, monster of an illness, which is unbearable to have and unbearable to watch. Now my friend is sitting stunned and shocked and has a bumpy stretch of the road ahead of her.
I tried to support her the best I can these past few months, and as I sit here late at night wondering if my friend is okay, it brings so many memories back into my mind. When my mum died, I was surrounded by loving people, a huge clan who were all experiencing the same loss, that we could share. My friend is an only child. My sad tortured dad was still here to watch over, and even if he looked like he wished himself away too, he was there to comfort, to still have one parent. My friend is now an adult orphan.
I had a loving husband, who watched over me, who made me endless cups of tea, and looked after the routine of daily life as I tried hard to steady myself. The quick, sudden death of mum, left a huge hole, a space that can never be filled, and at that time, I was too stunned to really comprehend what a life without her would mean.
My friend had lived a routine for the past few months, in that she was waiting for death. I know what that feels like too, and it is ghastly. The routine where the body manages to get some sort of 'normalcy' over a very 'un-normal' situation. With bated breath she weaved her way through the endless days of knowing what was to come.
When it does come, there is no more clarity as to what to do. Numbness as the initial stages of grief take hold. The automatic functions of sorting things out are done mechanically, and handled. Feelings still too far suppressed to be retrieved.
Grief is an unusual emotion. There is no predictability, no 'normal', no road map. The 'stages' of grief have been documented, but unless you have experienced it, the words of the stages are simply ink on a page.
Mechanics is what happens initially as people try to help you through the process, guiding and comforting as bet they can, yet nothing seems to sink in, until later. Much later.
Then the feelings rush to the surface demanding release, often by this time the people are gone. Comfort is not offered as readily, and quizzical looks are given instead. Death is such a huge part of life, yet, we are so inexperienced at handling it. It makes us raw, vulnerable, exposed, angry, and a touch crazy.
My friend is facing a tough time ahead, please help me send her love.